Unbearably Light
I do not think that word means what you think it means.

Melencholic

Pain has an element of blank;
It cannot recollect
When it began, or if there was
A time when it was not.

It has no future but itself,
Its infinite realms contain
Its past, enlightened to perceive
New periods of pain.


Warning, slightly woe is me post alert.

So Christmas is swirling around the place in all it’s blue LED and one-colour-themed Christmas tree glory. Not feeling the love. I am totally banned from alcohol for the foreseeable (therefore leaving me without a Christmas day with the extended family coping strategy) and am having to take two weeks off work, two weeks into the new job and spend it lying flat on my back (not in a good way). This year has been a pisstake on behalf the universe in general and better mean that next year will be fabulous or I will be kicking some universe ass.

Seriously though, all of this has given a bit of an insight though into what it is like for those people who are in constant pain for years. I’ve only had to put up with this for four months or so, which is a seriously short amount of time in the long run. Nothing compared to people who put up five years or more of it, and worse. The pain is suddenly capitalised and becomes like a voice in your head, a separate personality, someone shouting in your ear constantly so you won’t forget about them. Everything else you think about or talk about is secondary because that voice is so difficult to ignore. It also becomes the first priority and question for everyone else in your life when they talk to you – they are naturally concerned and desperately want you to answer that you are fine and pain free. So you lie mostly because conversations go downhill when pity is involved. They want to fix it and provide answers to questions that are unanswerable, and you have to gently assure them that it’s ok that they are just as powerless as you are, that it is enough just to be present. I seriously cannot imagine what this is like after one, two, three years. All I know is I have so much respect for people who live through that and acknowledge that they are much stronger souls than I am.

Especially considering the fact that I was told by my doctor today that publicly, neurology waiting lists run to about a year, and thats if you have something that is pretty life-affecting, like epilepsy. Personally, I could be waiting for a year and a half to be seen, if I don’t go private. It is a *slight* misnomer to say we have free health care in this country.

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One Response to “Melencholic”

  1. […] to thousands of miles away for the next quite a while. Sigh. Christmas will not be the same without alcohol and the […]


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